Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
