my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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