I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
