Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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