I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
