What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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