Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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