He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Four minutes until I can fart!
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
