She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
