At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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