At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
