bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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