I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
