he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
