omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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