Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
