Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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