When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Randomize
