Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
