He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
