God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
