I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
