My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
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I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
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When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The feeling are messing with the penis
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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