we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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