I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
