I got chris browned last night
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
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My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
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If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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