I faked an abortion last night.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.