Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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