I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
