Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
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No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
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Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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