im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
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She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
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Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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