i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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