I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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