she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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