1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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