I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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