you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I need to stop coming to work sober
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
