The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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