You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
