I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
