I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize