Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
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birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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