So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
