i just sent this text using only my big toe
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
