Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
