I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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