i permit you to call me
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
