Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
my poor anus
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
