ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Will you blow on my dice?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
