the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
