just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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