Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
