Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
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she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
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The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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