Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
