That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
