I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
