I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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