Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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